Looking back

First off I'd like to welcome my new reader, Heather, from Sprung Onto The Spectrum. Heather, since Austin was a good sport and played the "Guess That Character" game from a few posts ago, I've got a drawing special, just for him.

The big thing in the middle is a whale (notice the long nose and gaping mouth), and at the bottom left is Nemo, bottom right is Dory, and upper left is Marlin. The red lines everywhere are, as Little Froggy put it, the "specks." I think what she means is the krill that swam past Dory and Marlin when they were about to get swallowed by the whale. Froggy also speaks fluent Whale (which, in my opinion, is on par with speaking Klingon) and believes that when you're having a rough time you should "just keep swimming."

And she's doing well in school, which is why you really haven't gotten any updates. "Well" means "boring" and other than our general lack of sleep there hasn't been much to talk about.

Except this.

I guess she thought if she put her own smileys in there that no one else would notice and maybe the teacher wouldn't leave a note. To be fair she WAS good the rest of the week, for the most part.

So I've been thinking a lot about the last ten years (I get old tomorrow) and how much the world has changed. For me it was more than just 9/11 and war and obsessive and ineffective airport security. I've gotten married and had a child and watched my child grow and thrive and then begin to have trouble. And since this blog isn't about me (THAT blog is over there) I'll spend my time for the next little while thinking about her.

I was scrolling through the early days of my other blog and one thing that struck me over and over again is how different she is. When she was being evaluated they asked us if it seemed like she'd regressed, and we said no. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I was wrong. I wonder if it just happened so slowly that I didn't notice.

There was a point where she began answering yes and no questions. Now I have to coach her to get an answer, and it's almost always "yes" so I wonder if she's really answering me. There was a time she was in love with her baby dolls and spent her time feeding them and loving on them. That stopped around the time I started noticing the other changes. The Terrible Twos were so blissfully normal. She had tantrums but they were just like every other kid her age. When she wasn't having a TT day she was SO easy. She was a pure joy to be around. Before things started changing I was finally settling into motherhood, finally feeling like I had a handle on this whole "parenting" thing. I thought I had gotten lucky and got a kid who took after her daddy's mellow nature. Now, I hate to say, she reminds me of her mother.

There. I said it.

She has my temper, only my temper wasn't strapped into a kid with communication issues.

She smiled all the time. She was happy most of the time. She just seemed like a completely different kid. Some of it I chalk up to her getting older and changing the way kids do, but in my heart I know that's not the whole thing. Something really did change. It didn't happen all at once but over the last year, year and a half, her personality changed. She started screaming more than smiling. She cries so much. In a way, it's like she stopped trying, even though I know that's not it.

It's a hard thing to explain if you weren't there to see it. And I know I sound like a bad mom for it, but I miss the kid she was before she became perpetually angry. I keep hoping as she develops and grows that maybe we'll see that kid again.

So my hubby just got home from work and I'm gonna go spend some time with him. I have to start supper anyway, and I should probably let this go before I make myself too sad.